Twilight Meets Harry Potter!
by Parodoxical Shift
Summary: What do you get when you combine angry vampires with misplaced wizards? Some very disgruntled people, a bulldozer, and chaos.
1. Start the meeting!

Twilight vs

Twilight vs. Harry Potter

Getting ready for another baseball game, Edward Cullen was stepping in the woods when he smelled blood. Human blood.

Cautious, he sniffed the air, while trying to hear any thoughts. The scent was human, all right, but it had a slight twinge to it. And the thoughts were completely unrelated, thinking about "muggles" and nonsense words.

As he crept closer, the person came into view. Wearing long, heavy black robes and clutching a mismatched stick in his hand, this person struck a rather imposing figure. Suddenly, it whirled around.

"_Stupefy_!" it shouted, causing a bolt of red light to explode from the end of the stick. That set Edward off. With superhuman speed, he twisted away from the bright ribbon and ran screaming back to the Cullen's house, the stranger in pursuit on a broomstick.

He arrived a few minutes before the stranger. Talking super fast, he conveyed his story to the rest of the family, and much slower, to Bella. When it did arrive, Carlisle opened the door, followed by Emmett, who grabbed the unsuspecting person's hands, confiscating the stick. Immediately, the questioning began.

"Who are you?"

"I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!"

"Who are you?"

"THIS IS AGAINST CONDUCT TOWARDS WIZARDS!"

"WHO ARE YOU?"

"WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?"

"BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO SERIOUSLY HURT YOU IF YOU DON'T!"

Panting, the stranger stopped struggling. "Who are _you_?"

"Answer our question first!"

A pause, then, "Neville Longbottom."

"No, he's not," observed Edward. "He's a wizard, and he thinks we're Muggles, even though I don't know what that is. His name's Harry Potter."

"Muggles are non-magic people," Alice put in. "Apparently, they're also racists. Also, if he doesn't change his mind, he's going to try to get to the stick, or his wand in 5…4…3…2…see?"

For Harry had just made a frantic dive toward the stick. Emmett caught him in half dive, and returned him to his hands. Now Harry was positively bewildered. These people were obviously not magical, but seemed to have the ability to overpower him.

Then a cloaked, green-skinned man with a large, disfigured nose suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. "So, Potter," he crooned, "Have you gotten yourself into more trouble?"

"NO!" Harry yelled, and dived for his wand yet again. This time, he grabbed it, and the two wizards immediately began to shoot lights out of the wands. Then Jasper got the better hand. The dueling people ceased dueling, and instead began chatting animatedly. "Have you watched the Quidditch World Cup yet?" the green-skinned one asked.

"Of course! And I CAN'T BELIEVE how easily Bulgaria won!"

"Well, the fact that I had jinxed the Irish brooms to produce mayhem had another thing to do with it."


	2. A little bit of violence

Disclaimer: I do not own either the Harry Potter or the Twilight series. If I did, then everybody would be dead (haha).

Savagely, Edward growled. "Cut that out! Why are you here and what are you doing?"

The two strangers turned. "You need some real anger management, _Muggle_." The green one sneered. "What do you think _you're_ doing?"

"This is OUR house! You're in Cullen's private property in Forks, Washington!" Edward bellowed.

"Scum," the green-skinned one jeered. "Do you really think that I'm just going to let you go, just like that?"

Just then, two more of the strangers burst in. "_Stupefy_!" they shouted, one pointing their wand at Green Skin, the other at Jasper. Immediately, two bolts of red light streamed out, knocking Green Skin and Jasper flat. Enraged, Edward ran toward the taller male, with red hair and freckles. "NO! RON! _Impedimenta_!" the other stranger, a brown-haired female, shrieked, pointing her stick at Edward.

Edward ducked out of the way, and hurtled toward both of them, knocking them of their feet. "There," he said grimly, getting back onto his feet. Them he realized that the other stranger, Harry Potter, was still standing, and was pointing his stick at him…

Then there was a grunt, and Harry was lifted up, and thrown down. Emmett stood behind him, grinning with pleasure. "I thought I owed him something," he grinned.

Edward turned, and looked at his family. Jasper was still on the ground, apparently unconscious. Carlisle was kneeling next to him, being "the doctor." Alice was prodding the figures on the floor with her toe, with Emmett kicking the figures around, trailing after her. Rosalie was sitting on the couch examining her nails. And Bella was just standing in the middle of the room, watching the Cullens. He walked over to her.

"I'm sorry, Bella sweetie," he said. "It won't happen all the time."

"That's fine," she replied, looking up. "You don't have to apologize.

In the background, Rosalie sniggered, and Emmett groaned, "Spare us the soppy moment, will you?" Then Bella shrieked, jumping up onto the couch and pointing at the Harry person. "He moved! He moved!"

Then she was knocked flat with a blast of that same red light. Snarling, Edward and Emmett charged at him again, but he shouted, "_Protego!_" and they were rammed into an invisible barrier. Edward heard him think, "Now they can't touch me. I never knew that Muggles would do that. My uncle might."

"Damn your stupid uncle!" Edward roared, aiming for Harry again. But once again, he was stopped by the invisible barrier. _If only the idiots hadn't knocked Jasper out_, he thought angrily. _Wonder what they did, since no amount of physical force can knock us out_. Then the person lowered his wand, and pointed it at him. But he didn't get any further than that. For Emmett had sprung on top of the wizard, apparently over the barrier, and knocked him out again.

Hurrying over to Bella, he knelt down and shook her. Apparently, whatever had hit her wasn't as strong as what hit Jasper, so she opened her eyes.

"Wh-what happened?" she asked, confused.

Emmett answered instead of Edward. "We're going to ship four lunatics of to the asylum!" he cackled madly.

**So what do you think? Do you want the wizards or vampires to win? Please R&R!!**


	3. Throngs of magic

**Disclaimer: Yes, I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter! If I did, then I'd be rich, and I'm not, and I haven't spent the past 13 years of my life dedicated to those two books!**

After dialing 911, Edward had seen to it that Bella got home safely. Driving in his prized silver Volvo, he sped silently along the road.

"So," Bella started conversationally. "What happened back there?"

"I don't know," Edward muttered. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a slight movement on the side of the road. Slowing down a bit, he caught a whip-like movement of a black cloth material. Looking closer, he made out humanoid shapes, all holding sticks. "Damn," he swore.

"What?"

"More lunatics," he responded tersely. Then with an abrupt U-turn that left Bella breathing heavily with the exclamation, "Don't EVER do that again," Edward swerved back to the house.

When he arrived, the first of the intruders were about three minutes behind. Bursting inside, he roared out "MORE INTRUDERS!" Looking worried, Carlisle, Esme and Alice hurried to look out of the windows. Emmett cracked his knuckles and chuckled with delight, and Rosalie sat on the sofa, looking bored.

The door burst open. Screaming, Bella ran for the table and dove under. Emmett, cackling loudly, dove for the door and brought about ten 'visitors' down with him. More appeared. A bolt of red light was shot at Emmett, but he easily avoided it, and jumped on the offending person.

Then Alice ran into the room, screaming "LOCK THE DOORS! DON'T LET THEM COME IN!" Obligingly, Emmett bounded inside, a large grin plastered on his face, locking it behind him. "Whassa matter, Alice?"

She started talking, deadly serious, "They're wizards. They have the ability to cast spells that could" dramatic pause here "_kill._"

"Cut out the dramatics" Emmett groaned. "It's not like we've haven't faced a major battle-or anything smaller."

Edward snarled at him. "But we can't ignore the _possibility_ that they might actually be stronger than us! They can knock us out, which you usually can't! I'm guessing that they _would_ kill us if they could."

"Whatever." Emmett shrugged, oblivious. "Can we let them in now? Apparently, they'd also kill the door if they wanted to."

Edward growled again, angry at Emmett's carelessness. "You wouldn't be saying that if you were about to be attacked!"

"Well, I sort of _am_ about to be attacked, bro."

The door gave a resounding thud as the attackers slammed the door, making the hinges creak. Dull thuds marked futile attempts to break down the thick metal.

"So, Ms. Know-It-All, are we going to let them in, or allow them to break down the doors instead?"

Alice grimaced. "I'm not sure."

"Well, you'd better become sure, missy, because they're coming in pretty soon!"

"All right, open the door," Alice acknowledged reluctantly. "They're going to come in anyways, sometime."

"Yes!" Emmett bounded up, and literally wrenched the door open. "Yee-haw!!" With that, he plowed right through the throngs of people outside. Startled, the group retreated slightly, trying to hit Emmett. Edward leapt up, and joined Emmett, growling and snarling, taking out his revenge for the harm that had came to Bella.

Then, the wizards seemed to gather their wits. Two groups shot spells…straight at the attacking Cullen brothers. "Aw, darn," Emmett muttered as the streaks neared.

**AN: Yeah, I know it sucks, but please review anyways! Thanks to Gen3683icy6, French Shark, Edward Cullen v.s Jacob Black, faVOriTe, hifi, Elphabella1122, ThePuppetMaster, and goldeneyes20601 for reviewing!**


	4. Destruction and a Bulldozer

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYHING! GOT IT? EXCEPT MY PET MICE AND THEY'RE NOT YOURS! ******

Enraged, Edward yowled, and jumped…

Only to be caught by a streak of light that sent him crashing back into the second story window.

"Oomph," he grunted, unaccustomed to actually getting hit by anything. He shook himself, making sure that no permanent damage had been sustained, and jumped right back out of the second story window.

The younger 'freaks', as Edward mentally berated them, shrieked and dove for cover. The others stood their ground, shooting different sparks up. But Edward skillfully twisted, dodged, and continued to fall to the ground, mauling others on the way.

In the meantime, Emmett was behaving like a walking wrecking ball. Plowing straight through the barriers of 'freaks', he laughed manically.

By now, he others had joined the fight. Carlisle was dodging the fists of a tall, burly male who had apparently lost his wand some place or another. With a resounding _boom_, Carlisle lifted the guy up and slammed him down. Alice was flitting back and forth in front of the bucktoothed brown-haired female that had run into the house earlier, with an uncommon name; Herionee or something. Alice seemed to be enjoying herself, frustrating the girl with unusual dodges and defenses. Esme was watching at the front door, not joining. Apparently, Jasper had gotten back up, because he was facing the other intruder, a lanky red-haired man.

Edward turned back to the other freaks, which had mainly drew back, now looking frightened instead of fierce. He snarled, baring his teeth in what he supposed was a fierce expression. They got the idea, and fled.

The house was in shatters, and unconscious bodies littered the grounds. Luckily, most of the people who lived nearby were either asleep or away. But there was still the problem of cleaning up.

"Well," Alice frowned, looking around, "We'd better clean up."

Emmett was still running on adrenaline, and was playing kickball with a few of the bodies. At this statement, he turned and suggested, "Why don't we throw 'em in the dump? It's a lot easier."

Esme turned and frowned at him. "No, Emmett, we're not going to."

"Suit yourselves," he shrugged, and turned his attention back to the bodies. "But," he addressed, still kicking the bodies, "it won't draw _that_ much attention. It would be much more inconvenient to call up the police and insurance companies. This would be _quite a mess_."

Carlisle was thoughtful. "Well, that actually makes a bit of sense. But what if they come back for the bodies-?"

"Then they'll have to look in the dump," Emmett finished cheerfully. "We'll tell them that, too."

Bella was just looking at them. Edward strode over to her. "Shouldn't you be getting home?"

"Well," she started, "maybe I should just stay-"

"Of course you can," Edward cut her off. We'll just find a room for you."

A rumbling sound started outside. "What the crap?" Edward roared, rushing to the window, and swore.

Heading straight for the part-demolished house was a gargantuan, rumbling bulldozer.


	5. Really Sucky Chapter

**A/N****: So… It's been a while. To be precise, it's been four months. A lot has happened. Mainly (things that relate to Twilight), I watched the movie, started two more fanfiction stories (does that count?), didn't update for a LONG TIME, took the SAT, and lastly… plotted to burn a Twilight poster. HA!!**

**Basically, now I hate Twilight and most of the characters (except for the Voltaire, especially Jane and Alec. They RULE!!!) so my future posted chapters might not be up to my usual standards.**

**Also, I had several reviews saying that "the vampires should just knock the wizards out and win" or "the wizards should just knock out the vampires out and win." Personally, I couldn't care less. The wizards have magic; the vampires have brute strength. Neither of them have brains (LOL!!). If you don't like the fact that it's extremely hard to win for any side, then GET OUT. Got it? Thank you.**

**And I just realized that technically, the Cullens were ****outside**** when Edward rushed to the ****window**** and swore. Therefore, that means that by looking inside the window, Edward was actually looking ****back into the house****! Oh crap. Sorry if that bothered anyone. . Now, I can continue with the story.**

**WARNING: EXTREME OOC IN THIS CHAPTER!!**

The bulldozer continued toward the house, flattening everything in its path. Bella screamed in fear, and rushed blindly toward the nearest standing thing that could offer shelter: namely, Edward. Unfortunately, in her fear, she ran straight INTO Edward instead of behind him. Of course, seeing that Edward was brick-hard to a mere human, she got knocked over pretty badly. The obstacle, being unaffected by the impact, immediately bent down to try and help his girlfriend up. Behind them, Emmett sniggered.

Still the bulldozer continued, gaining momentum as it rushed in the general direction of the Cullen house. About here, Edward began to lose his mind.

"You freaking IDIOT! Our house is already demolished good enough, thanks! We don't need some other lunatic to destroy it even further! Stop…moving…toward…our…stupid…freaky…house…AAARRRRGGGHH!!" This outburst was punctuated by a brutal growl, which was about when the lunatic through himself at the bulldozer in a futile attempt to stop the giant.

"Poor, poor Edward," Esme sighed, shaking her head. "I always thought that e would be the first one to go crazy."

In the meantime, Bella had been staring at Edward. "My brave prince," she crooned. "You can defeat the bulldozer…come on,"

Alice stared at her. "I think the craziness virus is catching," she whispered to Jasper, who shook his head in disbelief.

"Young mortals," he agreed, before the two of them raced off, apparently desperate to not catch the so-called craziness virus. The vampires who were left weren't so fortunate, though.

**A/N****: I'm SO SORRY for the shortness of this chapter; my well ran dry. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! *sobs* Anyways, I decided to add in something else to make up for the extreme shortness of this chapter. **

**If I had to sum up the movie/book in a few sentences, it would be as followed:**

**Girl sees a supposedly sexy vampire guy (he looks more like a jelly doughnut to me. If you want to ask why, PM me or ask me in a review.)**

**Girl falls in love.**

**Some evil person starts killing people.**

**Guy finally accepts the fact that girl is stalking him, and somehow falls in love with girl.**

**Guy's family, guy, and girl meet up with evil person.**

**Evil person tries to kill girl.**

**Guy saves girl.**

**Happily ever after. (New Moon is even worse.)**


	6. In the Woods

**A/N****: I really hope anyone who reads this story doesn't care about the quality of the writing. This is basically just my "crazy random" thing. But I'm actually going to develop a plot soon. And there's some extreme OOCness, and some Ron-bashing, because I personally don't like him too much. If you don't like it, flame me, get it out of your system, and then go read something else. Just keep in mind that this is a parody.**

_Disclaimer: If I owned, everyone would be dead. 'Nuff said._

No one would've noticed it if they hadn't looked closely, but inside the dense, thick woods, a small structure had appeared. It seemed too small for a family of squirrels to fit in, let alone a large group of wizards. But indeed a group of wizards were housed there, and they didn't seem to think that anyone would be nearby.

Alice and Jasper had detected their voices with their super-awesome-vampire-hearing, and had immediately crept forward to investigate. They made no sound, of course. Minus several cracking twigs, quite a few leaves ruffled, and once, an extremely loud commotion in which Jasper had run straight into a tree, and Alice into him. But those were minor details, of course.

"Now, let's see-_ouch_, get off my foot, Ron! This morning, we were in the Great Hall at Hogwarts…"

"Lovely sausages," a male voice interjected.

"And now, we're, uh, here." There was a pause. "Anyone know where this actually is?"

Another pause.

"Uh, one of the sparkly people said something about, uh, silverware. Forks, or something."

Yet another pause.

"Anyone know of any place called Forks?" the girl said.

"I thought _you_ were the smart one, Hermione."

"I dunno, maybe I never paid attention to the really, really small insignificant parts of the world?"

"How'd you know this place is small and insignificant?"

"Because I said so."

Alice snorted.

"Anyways, if it was significant, I'd have heard of it."

There was a snigger. "Well, guess what? I heard of Forks before. In fact, I ate my breakfast with it!

Alice mentally added "stupid" to her list of adjectives for this unusual group of sentient beings.

"Ha-ha, very funny."

"I know, right?"

"Just shut up."

Back at the Cullen house, Edward was still struggling with the behemoth machine.

"Hey!" Esme yelled to him. "Try smashing the weird diggy-part so it won't destroy anything!"

That had no effect.

"Try the wheels!"

Still, nothing happened.

"Um, Carlisle, what powers the bulldozer?"

"Try the engine," he said helpfully.

The bulldozer spluttered to a halt.

Edward jumped down, and Bella immediately ran to him.

"Ohmigosh, I thought that you were gonna die there!" (sob sob)

Then, the bulldozer exploded.


End file.
